Monday, June 14, 2021
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Desperate Green Activists Bribe Hillary Voters With Puppies

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Green activists have come up with an ingenious solution to breathe new life into Hillary Clinton’s moribund election campaign: puppies.

NextGen Climate has scheduled puppy appearances at dozens of early voting locations in critical states like Pennsylvania, North Carolina, Iowa, Nevada and New Hampshire. The organization hopes to roll out even more such events on November 8th.

“We’ve enlisted our most loyal companions to help during this historic election,” said Nick Ellis, a “National Puppy Coordinator” for NextGen Climate. “We are excited about this new approach to voter outreach.” Ellis appears in an ad for the campaign with an adorable, playful puppy, Petey.

The puppy idea arose organically during NextGen Climate’s voter registration drives. Volunteers who had puppies with them inevitably gathered more signatures than those without pooches. Deciding that this phenomenon was no accident, NextGen Climate figured that if puppies could get people to sign up to register, surely they could convince people to show up to vote, as well.

This makes sense. Anyone stupid enough to choose the next president of the USA based on the rush of oxytocin they experience on looking into the adorable eyes of a juvenile dog is 99.99 per cent likely to be a natural Hillary voter.

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